Paul Blart: Pizzeria Cop
by DrButtGhost
Summary: What if Paul Blart was a night guard at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza? *WARNING* The writer knows little to nothing about the "Five Nights at Freddie's" lore nor anything else about Paul Blart Mall Cop other than videos he's seen on YouTube and wacky 'meemees' on Tumblr (Sorry FNaF/Paul Blart enthusiasts!)


Paul Blart: Pizzeria Cop

It was a bright summer morning and Paul Blart just got out of bed. He slipped and fell out of the bed, which is funny because he's a fat guy who fell down. He had to get a job because the mall was closed for renovations, or else he won't be able to afford to make Paul Blart 3: Return of the Ooze. He went down the stairs and outside to get the paper. It wasn't there.

"Paper!" shouted the paperboy as he launched a newspaper at Paul's face. Slapstick. **Comedy**. _**Fat people**_.

Paul picked up the paper and looked at the job listings. None interested him, except for one.

 **HELP WANTED** : Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.

Family pizzeria looking for security guard to work the nightshift. 12 am to 6 am.

Monitor cameras, ensure safety of equipment and animatronic characters

Not responsible for injury/dismemberment

Blart was sold immediately as soon as he saw 'security guard' and disregarded the rest of the information about the implification of danger. He called the number and they said he started next week. This was odd due to the fact that he didn't even give them enough info on previous jobs and they just said "You're hired."

Paul was so excited about this new job he was gonna have he climbed into his freezer and froze himself until Monday. He fell out of the freezer and rolled across the floor (cause he's fat and thats funny). He got on his segway and burst out of his window. He rolled all the way to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. There was a note on the door.

"Ey fool, we got the key to the do' under da mat, so unlock it and we gon call you fo' da details, worr."

Paul unlocked the door and went inside to the guard shack. It was decorated with posters and Freddy Fazbear merchandise. He looked at his monitor to check on the cameras and the animatronics. They were on stage, as usual. One camera was out, but the audio still worked fine. He then got a message on the answering machine.

"Ey ya crazy fool, welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, mo'fucka! So this, like yo first fuckin' day on the job n shit, so we gon straight up tell ya that this place is fucked up. The animatronics wanna take yo ass and squeeze yo body in an empty fursuit/animatronic body and we juss need you to keep these fools unda control, ya hear me, boiii? aight, im gonna get into somna dis pussy, ya feel me, playa? see ya dogg."

He fiddled around with the lights and door controls when he checked the cameras again. Bonnie, the rabbit, was missing. Paul immediately went on his segway and rolled down to investigate the stage.

"Not on my watch!" Paul saw Bonnie in the hallway. He raced towards it and he collided into it, falling over.

Bonnie then tried to jumpscare him. " _ **REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**_ ", he(?) screamed into Blart's face. Blart got up. "I'm not scared of you, bunny fucking bitch boy." He took out his large flashlight and clocked Bonnie upside the head with it, causing him(?) to flinch in pain and the batteries to be flung from the flashlight and to hit Chica. the chicken, in the fucking face. She didn't even fucking flinch.

"GODDAMN NIGGA WHY YOU GOTTA DO THAT SHIT? THAT FUCKIN HURT!"

A Mexican sounding woman's voice came out of the back. "Yeah, ese. That fuckin' hurt." It was Chica, the chicken bitch with nice ass titties and a thick ass booty who said that.

A voice that sounded like an older, fatter man spoke up. "What are you crazy shits goin' on about now?" That was Freddy himself.

One more voice, sounding like a raspy, smoker voice arose from the hall leading to Pirate's Cove. "WILL YOU SHUT UP, I'M TRYIN TO MASTURBATE IN HERE." It was Foxy, the tall, skinny, dreamy, sexy, strong animatronic.

"What the fuck." Blart fell over and fainted. All the animatronic's circled around him and tried to drag him off to wherever they stuff the machines. They pry open a mouth and try to stuff him in but he's too fat and he falls out. A laugh track plays in the animatronic's heads. Bonnie looks at the camera and does the "Jim from the Office" face. It freezes on his face and the Seinfeld theme started to play.


End file.
